I really wish I'd kept up the momentum I'd built with this blog, but a funny thing happened after my last post--I fell in love. I met the new woman-of-my-life, Sarah, just days later, on New Years Eve 2007-2008, at a party where I knew no one other than the friend who asked me to accompany him. Now here it is, more than 2 years later, and Sarah and I are married, have a new home in the Berkeley area (where Jackson and I moved in June 2008), and--amazingly--a 7-week-old son, Max.
How my life was rebuilt in such dramatic fashion so quickly is a source of wonder to me. Rox (and her ending) will always be a part of me, but Sarah has taken so much of my heart that I'm back to living in the present again (and have been since the moment I met her). She's everything I'd always wanted in a woman--sexy, smart, easy to get along with, flexible, open-minded, experimental. Her persona allows me to be 100% myself, and our life together is joyous and fun and (thankfully) bereft of all the drama and conflict that characterized my 13 years with Rox. I couldn't be more thankful for how things have turned out.
And, it shouldn't go without noting that Alex and I got past that bump in the road over the house proceeds (which made it possible for Sarah and I to buy our house, remodel it, and take time off to enjoy our little Max). We now get along really well, and while her life is still unformed in many ways, she's on the road to something--she has a man who treats her with respect, a job she loves (as a baker), even if it pays crap, and some attainable goals. I wish her nothing but the best.
I also managed to steer Owen in a positive direction more than 3 years of continued video game addiction. Just in time, before he completely ran out of life insurance funds as his sister did, he found out about the Vancouver Film School and its video game design track. It's an expensive program that required me to co-sign a loan in order for Owen to be allowed into Canada with sufficient funds to pay tuition and living expenses. It's a bit unnerving having that loan sitting out there, but it's paying off in important ways, as Owen discovers himself, pursues something he loves, and actually gets trained to go into the world as a hire-able commodity. Go, Owen! I consider getting him that last mile into the school--which required some Herculean efforts on my part--to be my peak as a step-parent. (UPDATE 9/14/10: So much for my enthusiasm. Owen completely dropped the ball, left school to pursue a dream that was vapor (without telling me), and now is basically homeless and penniless in Portland, with me facing having to make loan payments to cover his ass. Ugh.)
What all this means is that as the dust has settled, we've all seemed to recover from Rox's tragic demise nicely, thank you. (UPDATE CONT: Well, except for Owen--although I believe he's finally becoming a man by having to face up to his decisions.) Encouraging signs abound, and that includes for Jackson, who is in love with his new little brother and, even though he misses his old life terribly, is doing a bang-up job of adapting to his new life in the East Bay. His grades are high, his sports participation is healthy, and new friendships are forming. Plus, he has a basement man cave to play video games in. What more could a kid want?
Maybe this whole picture is what you had in mind, Rox. Maybe you knew you were holding everyone back, and the only way to free up the logjam was to take yourself out of the picture. I wish it wouldn't have had to happen that way, but I'll take a happy ending in whatever form it comes. Consider that your legacy, Rox--maybe there was more rhyme to your reason than any of us ever imagined.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tick, tock...tick, tock...
Time marches on, and in Jackson's and my case, that means our lives in this house will soon come to an end. The broker agreement is signed, storage unit rented, several loads of boxes moved (and more being prepped), and a new kitchen floor is being installed in 2 weeks (at last, the evidence of my pot-melting talent will be gone). I try not to stop and think about what I'm doing while I'm doing it. So much history has unfolded in the 8 1/2 short years we've been here, and while a big part of that history was nightmarish, it will still be sad to walk out of the place the last time, perhaps even moreso for Jackson.
It's been a positive process so far. I can feel my burden lightening with each packed box, moving me a step closer to building a new life, one that isn't a constant daily reminder of Rox and our life together. As sad as I am about her being gone, and watching her life reduced to stuff in boxes shoved against the wall of a cold, dark storage unit, I am so ready to have her shadow reduced to a much smaller echo. My life as a then-soon-to-be-divorced dad was starting to blossom when she did her deed, and everything I'd worked on since our separation was erased. It's only now that I'm aware of what I lost there, and am starting to look forward to "flourishing," as Rox used to described me when she compared our separated lives. I just hope that whatever steps I take to set myself up to provide both Jackson and myself with solid foundations don't end up driving a wedge between him and me.
To close a loop, I thought I'd follow up on my earlier post to report that our family friend met with Alex, and apparently talked sense into her, as that whole house proceeds issue has gone away, and with it, a huge stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I need to get him a Christmas gift to let him know how much I appreciated his help.
On another note, Nov. 30 was Rox's 53rd b-day, and I was surprised by how little it affected me. Not Alex, though--she headed to Seacliff Beach, Rox's favorite hangout, that morning, and thought of her mom. I could tell Jackson's thoughts weren't far from Rox all day, either. I did take some time to look at photos, and I believe I played a little Van Morrison in tribute. But what I think will be most memorable about this particular birthday is how I didn't hear from any of Rox's friends. Not that I need to hear from them, but it's another reminder of how quickly all the concern and support fades into the background as people get back to their own lives.
I'll sign off this evening with a post of a photo that I think does justice to Rox's birthday--it was taken of her while we ate beignets at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans in November 2003.
I think it was one of her happiest moments, and a trip that was one of our highlights together. Don't get me wrong--our marriage was already completely screwed up. But we put all that aside for 4 wonderful days of eating, walking, jazz listening, and lovemaking. 16 months later, on the day I moved into my new divorcee apartment, Rox gave me a CD of Kermit Ruffins, whom we'd seen at Vaughn's in the Bywater district, as a housewarming gift. Her inscription on the cover? "We'll always have New Orleans." Yes, Rox, we always will.
It's been a positive process so far. I can feel my burden lightening with each packed box, moving me a step closer to building a new life, one that isn't a constant daily reminder of Rox and our life together. As sad as I am about her being gone, and watching her life reduced to stuff in boxes shoved against the wall of a cold, dark storage unit, I am so ready to have her shadow reduced to a much smaller echo. My life as a then-soon-to-be-divorced dad was starting to blossom when she did her deed, and everything I'd worked on since our separation was erased. It's only now that I'm aware of what I lost there, and am starting to look forward to "flourishing," as Rox used to described me when she compared our separated lives. I just hope that whatever steps I take to set myself up to provide both Jackson and myself with solid foundations don't end up driving a wedge between him and me.
To close a loop, I thought I'd follow up on my earlier post to report that our family friend met with Alex, and apparently talked sense into her, as that whole house proceeds issue has gone away, and with it, a huge stress has been lifted from my shoulders. I need to get him a Christmas gift to let him know how much I appreciated his help.
On another note, Nov. 30 was Rox's 53rd b-day, and I was surprised by how little it affected me. Not Alex, though--she headed to Seacliff Beach, Rox's favorite hangout, that morning, and thought of her mom. I could tell Jackson's thoughts weren't far from Rox all day, either. I did take some time to look at photos, and I believe I played a little Van Morrison in tribute. But what I think will be most memorable about this particular birthday is how I didn't hear from any of Rox's friends. Not that I need to hear from them, but it's another reminder of how quickly all the concern and support fades into the background as people get back to their own lives.
I'll sign off this evening with a post of a photo that I think does justice to Rox's birthday--it was taken of her while we ate beignets at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans in November 2003.
I think it was one of her happiest moments, and a trip that was one of our highlights together. Don't get me wrong--our marriage was already completely screwed up. But we put all that aside for 4 wonderful days of eating, walking, jazz listening, and lovemaking. 16 months later, on the day I moved into my new divorcee apartment, Rox gave me a CD of Kermit Ruffins, whom we'd seen at Vaughn's in the Bywater district, as a housewarming gift. Her inscription on the cover? "We'll always have New Orleans." Yes, Rox, we always will.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
My Jaw May Be Telling Me Something
I don't have energy to write my usual length of post, but I wanted to share some thoughts I've been having since we got back from LA two days ago after a five-day Thanksgiving sojourn. It was pretty much the usual array of familial craziness--gaggles of visitors suffocating their hosts, large groups trying to agree on meals, group efforts to plan routes through the city's hellish traffic, out-loud belches caroming across the Thanksgiving table.
Anyway, on the way home, I noticed that I'd developed a TMJ headache and some jaw tightness (I was diagnosed with pretty bad TMJ several years ago, but I got it under control with the help of a temporary prescription to Paxil, of all things.) When I woke up yesterday morning, it was worsening. I took some Excedrin, did some Yoga, anything I could to relax. Nothing helped. Then I was standing in my bedroom, looking out the window, and I was overcome by a wave of emotion about Rox. For the first time in well over a week, I let out a good chunk of grief, and like magic, my headache and jaw tightness were gone within minutes.
What I realized was the connection between my TMJ outbreak and my having been around the family, with whom I don't feel safe expressing feelings about Rox. Not only that, but I've begun to be very aware that my breakup with Taylour a few months ago has had the desired impact, as the grieving that has poured out of me since is cleansing me, accelerating the process.
As one of the panelists said during a National Survivors of Suicide Day webcast last week, we shouldn't focus on the idea of a light at the end of the tunnel--rather, we need to recognize that there's light coming in all over the place should we choose to let it warm us. I can feel those little shards of light hitting me now--and I plan to avail myself of them as much as possible.
Anyway, on the way home, I noticed that I'd developed a TMJ headache and some jaw tightness (I was diagnosed with pretty bad TMJ several years ago, but I got it under control with the help of a temporary prescription to Paxil, of all things.) When I woke up yesterday morning, it was worsening. I took some Excedrin, did some Yoga, anything I could to relax. Nothing helped. Then I was standing in my bedroom, looking out the window, and I was overcome by a wave of emotion about Rox. For the first time in well over a week, I let out a good chunk of grief, and like magic, my headache and jaw tightness were gone within minutes.
What I realized was the connection between my TMJ outbreak and my having been around the family, with whom I don't feel safe expressing feelings about Rox. Not only that, but I've begun to be very aware that my breakup with Taylour a few months ago has had the desired impact, as the grieving that has poured out of me since is cleansing me, accelerating the process.
As one of the panelists said during a National Survivors of Suicide Day webcast last week, we shouldn't focus on the idea of a light at the end of the tunnel--rather, we need to recognize that there's light coming in all over the place should we choose to let it warm us. I can feel those little shards of light hitting me now--and I plan to avail myself of them as much as possible.
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